The question was how I came to love myself so much. I was saying how as I child I loved to watch myself- I would dress in my bathing suit and go out the driveway and sing and dance and really be seen. The knowing of how I was meant to be seen and to show others how to love self.
Which got me thinking about the other part of my child self, the sad, scared, worried little girl that hated being separated from her family. I asked what did I do with my scared, sad, vulnerable inner child those nights that I used to travel and/or go out with my friends and this is what I heard….we just stuffed her down and if she popped up we would give her some alcohol!
I literally gave my inner child liquor to subdue her….
I can recall all the times I subdued my inner child and fed her alcohol so that she would relax and do what I wanted her too. I am the abuser. I am the perpetrator. I am the victim. I have been doing “parts” work with myself for years…this makes so much sense. AND I have such a deep understanding for substance users in this moment. I get it….with the deep awareness of someone who has done it. Super unconsciously with societally approved substances…does not change the underlying trauma that causes the use and abuse. I would NEVER give a child alcohol or drugs to get them to do what I want or to make my life easier or even to make them “feel better”…my choice to not medicate my kids and use natural healing remedies is evidence of my active, conscious choice to live in a way that we mindfully deal with “symptoms”, “pains” and “emotions”…however I did give alcohol to a child, I didn’t listen to her, I worked really hard to ignore her and cut myself off from feeling her.
To that small sad and scared girl that lives inside of me,
I see you now, I feel you now, I hear you now. I am so deeply, genuinely sorry. I understand why it’s hard for you to trust that I will keep you safe when you feel scared. I understand why you cower when the protector piece of me shows up:
we hurt you, we silenced you, we stuffed you, we buried you, we literally tried to destroy you.
Your vulnerability and fear scared us. We couldn’t bear witness to all of that if we were to be strong and carry on. Mom died we had to move away, go to college, buy the house, raise the kid….we didn’t know how to do that with you worrying and crying in the background.
We bound and gagged you and tossed you into the deepest space inside of us.
My throat is so tight with emotion. I am so sorry. The tears and the shame! AND the compassion and the understanding. I needed to survive. I had to “put on my big girl panties”.
I understand why I feel sadness and fear when I connect to you and not the innocence and joy I expected when I found you again. I understand now why I need to dance and sing - So you can remember, remember when you got to take the lead, remember when you got to play and BE free. You didn’t get as long as I wish…I wish I could have felt compassion and understanding for your fear and sadness so that I could have enjoyed your innocence and joy for longer. You are the parts of me that see the world as glitter and sparkle, fun and laughter. You feel all the feels, shamelessly - I love that about you. I am sorry, I thought I could do it better. I took the fun out of it! I was so serious all the time. You are the best parts of me. I am exhausted from trying to keep you contained. I want to play with you. I have been trying to learn how to play again but without setting you free...
I can’t play without you. I am not freedom and joy without you! I see that now.
Thank you for not losing your essence despite my desperate attempts to destroy you. Thank you for your deep felt-sense. Thank you for your innocence and joy. Thank you for your love. Thank you for loving me while I was denying you!!
