Holy macaroni. This morning started with another wave of sadness. I didn't want to get out of bed because I didn't want to feel it. So instead I laid there for an hour pretending not to feel it- kind of slipping in and out of sleep and totally feeling it. I got out of bed and started journaling, I've really been keeping track of my dreams and so I was writing down my dreams. I was hit by an overwhelming wave of sadness so I relaxed into it and let it take me where it needed to take me.
For a long time I lay there and grieved the loss of my virginity. We are talking decades later- but I was that little girl: it was taken too young, too rough, unloved, unappreciated, unvalued- in a really rotten kind of way. I hold no blame or resentment I know that it was exactly as it was supposed to be in that moment… but this morning I just had to feel all the feels that were still living inside of me associated to it.
A calmness came over me and I settled into that and I almost started to doze off and then another wave of sadness hits. This one having something to do with a lot of younger me with unmet needs and so at one point in my morning I had my future self come and lay with my present self and my present self go and lay with my four-year-old self and my 12 year old self and some Selves along the way.
I was really aware of my second chakra and my fifth chakra like my whole lower pelvis -my ovaries, my sexual organs were just burning and my throat was just so congested.
Again I didn't allow myself to get stuck in this story I just allowed wave after wave to flow through and the tears to fall and the snot to drip~ yes I used my sleeve, yes I did!!
And then suddenly it was over. No more sadness ~ No More Tears and I got up and I made breakfast.
It has not escaped my awareness that last Tuesday I had a session with my friend Cindy. During which I discovered a closet that my inner child had been protecting that lives within me. I have always known I was a space holder ~ I knew I was a space holder when I was 4 years old but to come across an entire closet inside of my body that my inner child was standing guard upon like literally braced against impact and guarding this closet ….the Coincidence of that is not lost on me.
And I know when the grief and sorrow I'm holding has nothing to do with me because there's no pain associated in my body and it's just a wave of tears and a big ugly cry with no feelings attached to it. It also does not Escape my awareness that my other friend Janine did an emotions code on my body last week and released a horror I was holding onto from my childhood. So it is with deep gratitude that I allow the waves to wash over me.
I am so grateful for greater understanding of the things that I go through. I am so grateful not to judge it and just allow it and to let it flow. It's taken a long time to come to a place where I could feel all the feels and not get trapped in the story. I see where people turn to medication - I understand it I saw that life modeled to me and I understand the choice to choose medication. Medication isn't in my path I don't believe I need medication. If I continue to allow what needs to move to move I will continue to heal. I will continue wave after wave to keep head up and breathe. <3