Coffee in one hand, computer in the other with nothing but spaciousness and my witty thoughts.
Me, I am she!!
I do not value my wants and needs over those of my family, I was not taught too. I was taught to do, do, do and seethe, seethe, seethe…. explode…wash rinse repeat. It is truly fucked up. Truth is “they” are not grateful cuz “they” didn’t ask me to do it. “They” don’t have any idea of the war that’s raging inside of me. "They" don’t know that I am fucking exhausted, don’t want to play, just want to lay…and quite honestly if I told “them”, “they” would say “go lay down, rest, let me….”
Or “thank gawd bitter bob is gone”
I am not blaming or shaming. I am just stating….. (check your Self for triggers here)
My partner is fantastic at honouring himself in some moments and I wanna yell at him for it, shame the shit out of him for his bold audacity….
However, in my infinite wisdom…
I am deeply immersed in healing old traumas, old patterns and old ways of being…
I have noticed that in not listening, validating or seeing my martyr I am doing EXACTLY the thing that those grown ups did all those years ago. I am shaming her, silencing her, placating her and “there there”-ing her. Which still isn’t meeting her needs. She is having to yell louder and louder to get my attention.
What can I do? … Get curious!! Why is she here so often? What does she need? Why is she so angry?....