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Parts of Self

Mother, Daughter, Sister, Wife....Martyr

Coffee in one hand, computer in the other with nothing but spaciousness and my witty thoughts.

I have had this underlying notion of all that I am not being, all that I am not being authentic too….
I met the martyr part of me, loud and clear. She is constantly sacrificing Self, when no one asked her too, and she’s really fucking mad at everyone all the time. (She is mad at herself). The only one who is asking her to sacrifice herself is her.
Me, I am she!!
I do not value my wants and needs over those of my family, I was not taught too. I was taught to do, do, do and seethe, seethe, seethe…. explode…wash rinse repeat. It is truly fucked up. Truth is “they” are not grateful cuz “they” didn’t ask me to do it. “They” don’t have any idea of the war that’s raging inside of me. "They" don’t know that I am fucking exhausted, don’t want to play, just want to lay…and quite honestly if I told “them”, “they” would say “go lay down, rest, let me….”
Or “thank gawd bitter bob is gone”
I was not taught to ask for what I want. I was taught to allude to what might be bothering me and wait to be rescued….
If I was at someone’s house and hungry, I would be shamed for saying so. “That’s rude” someone would say…. Uh WTF being hungry is rude? Asking that my needs be met is rude?? Nope! Shushing a child, placating a child is rude. Making someone believe that their basic humans needs are rude…is …. rude! to say the least.

I am not blaming or shaming. I am just stating….. (check your Self for triggers here)

I am currently in this space of teaching my children to ask for what they need, create their own realities and speak their truth and in moments quietly (or loudly) resenting them for it….
My partner is fantastic at honouring himself in some moments and I wanna yell at him for it, shame the shit out of him for his bold audacity….

However, in my infinite wisdom…
I am deeply immersed in healing old traumas, old patterns and old ways of being…
I have noticed that in not listening, validating or seeing my martyr I am doing EXACTLY the thing that those grown ups did all those years ago. I am shaming her, silencing her, placating her and “there there”-ing her. Which still isn’t meeting her needs. She is having to yell louder and louder to get my attention.
What can I do? … Get curious!! Why is she here so often? What does she need? Why is she so angry?....

I see that I have been in this dance with my martyr and my wounded child for a long time. It’s been my crazy train! I want to learn a new dance. One that nurtures all of my parts, accepts them for who they are and what they have to offer…. they are not just my history, “my waste” but an integral part of who I have become, they have value, I HAVE VALUE…which means ALL MY PARTS HAVE VALUE. I am worthy of being seen, heard, loved and felt!