Piece by piece, step by step, day by day, I reclaim myself. I drove up to Calgary the other day which for most doesn't seem like an adventure or anything to write about....
I moved from Calgary to Lethbridge almost 15 years ago. I used to come back often because my life was here. Eventually my sister moved to Lethbridge and I got married and had more children so I told myself I hated the city and stopped coming here.
I came back a few years ago for a workshop, I found myself immersed in some sort of trigger/healing crisis I don't care about the language ~ it ripped me wide open. I cried for 4 days. It rocked me to my core. It triggered so many things for me. It made space for all of the emotions I hadn't had time for when I left: all of the grief around my mother's death, the loss of self, loss of Innocence ~ it was my own personal tsunami of all the things in all the land.
I drove into the City yesterday feeling so excited and knowing exactly where I was headed. I drove straight in and up to Nose Hill and I showed my kids where I used to run and play and sit and think and be.
I am many things. Mostly I am a human obsessed with healing.
I danced with myself on top of Nose Hill yesterday with a freedom of joy and a Reclamation of the Innocence I left behind! It was pure Magic. It was a LIVED experience of all the ways I use my skills and knowledge to heal Self.
Driving to the city I could feel the metaphor of the highway like the neuropathways of my mind. The side roads all had meaning. It was brilliant. I do tons of studying on trauma and the brain. The significance of my metaphor was profound, too profound to capture in words. The process allowed me to journey down some back roads of my mind and heal some OLD wounds, stories and traumas that I have passed down to my oldest son.
The clarity of my dance with Self upon the hill: I turned my relationship to the city into that of an ex-lover! I told myself a story of hatred and anger. My clarity is that if I told myself I hate the city I would be firm in my choice to leave. In my experience when a great love affair ends we focus on the hate so that we can justify why we left otherwise we can be consumed by the grief and loss of that choice. I love this city. I love the girl I was when I lived in this city. She was spontaneous and fun. She was resourceful and wild. She was free in her own way. Tamed in many ways … but so young, so innocent, so trusting, so wise, so naïve….really ALL of the things.
I feel like my days here allowed for a DEEP integration, acceptance, surrender and falling back in love with ME. ALL OF ME. The good, the bad, the ugly, the shameful, the fantastic, the fun, the free, the city girl, the mom….
The knowing of “We are all a reflection of the life we have chosen and the life we have turned away from.” I see clearly when I trigger the feelings of unease inside of others, when I am the direct reflection of the life they are not living, or the path they choose not to choose ~ "the sand in their eye" as Louise Lebrun would say….
I had a moment of utter clarity when I recognized the spaces and places I have avoided those that I love because they remind me of what was, or what could have been. There is sadness there but a deep RIG (respect, integrity and generosity of spirit) for all of us that need that buffer from time to time. Over the years I have gone back to Calgary in a very guarded way. I have avoided the places and the people that may evoke the remembering that hurts. I have been very selective of where and when I go down memory lane.
This trip was different. I feel WHOLE. I feel FREE and INTEGRATED!!
I fully acknowledged my love of this city yesterday.
I can't hate this city anymore then I can hate the girl I was. All of that contributed to all that I am. And I love me!